Monday, March 23, 2009

Just MAM.....

Well, I am getting stronger every day.

If you were one of the people who has to listen to me whine & cry lately, you'd probably roll your eyes at that statement. I have good days and I have bad days, but the good days are starting to finally outnumber the bad. (Oh, God, I hope...)

I will always love my husband. No matter what. I don't like the new person he has become, but I will love the old him that I was married to forever. And with all my heart, I hope the real him will come back into existence some day. Whether he comes back to me and his family or not - I just hope that wonderful guy is still in there somewhere and isn't gone forever.

But I have realized, in looking around, that there are alot of really nice guys out there who would appreciate a caring, interesting Martial Arts Mom like me. I met one guy at the bowling alley, who I am hoping will call me soon. He is the brother of a friend of a friend. And he is fun. He is good looking. I think I could really like this guy. I get the vibe that he likes me too. I hope! Only time will tell...

I also met a real live cowboy. Yep - a bull rider at that. He rode in rodeos until about a year ago because his knee was shattered when a bull pinned it between the chute and his ribcage. Ouch! I also think I had about 10 years on him, but he was still interested. He seemed like a very nice guy. Again, only time will tell.

I still can't believe my husband of almost 23 years, the man I've been with since he wasn't even a man yet - only 14 years old - is going to let a mid-life crisis ruin our family's lives - most of all his own. I still wake up almost every morning thinking he'll be lying there next to me and this has all been a nightmare. It really is a nightmare alright - but it's one I'm having while wide awake.

As I've told you in past posts, I keep praying for all of us, but especially him to wake up and realize what he is doing. And then I wonder if there is something else I could do to convince him to come home but then I think it thru and know that if he is meant to come home, the realization is going to have to come from within himself to be true. I can't change anyone but myself.

And from within is where this strength I'm regaining is coming from. I have returned to karate every week and it truly is therapy. I feel so much stronger after getting my martial arts fix for the week.

Other than being a good wife (I was - and still am if truth be told) and mother, I am most proud of stepping outside my comfort zone and starting martial arts. It shows me that I can think outside the box... my own anyway. It shows I have more physical endurance and strength than I though I did (Maybe not as much as many others but more than I thought was within me!) The fact that for 90 minutes each Thursday, I can be just me - nobody's wife, nobody's mom, nobody's daughter...just ME is very freeing and theraputic.

The way I feel when I'm in class is the way I want to feel all the time...confident, not as self-concious. I feel like the me before I was part of a twosome. I feel like I am gradually becoming MAM...just MAM, not "Hubby and MAM". I was just MAM when, at 15, I met Hubby to be. (Okay, I wasn't a mom then, but you get the point) and as hard as it is to accept and configure, I can, I AM just MAM after him.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

The Crying Game...

Well, I did it.
I went one whole day without crying.
Doesn't sound like a big deal does it? Yet it is earth shattering for me in the state of mind I'm in right now.
Yesterday I got out of bed and resolved to myself that I would not cry at all that day...for the first time in the 11 weeks since my husband's mid-life crisis alter-ego left us. And I did it. Thre were some close calls, but I stopped, regrouped, and managed not to spill a tear.
It's only 10:30 am the next day and I can't say I've fared as well today. I am a strong person. I am a very practical person. But I'm also a very emotional person. My feelings run very, very deep. I am very sensitive. And this is what makes cancels out alot of that strong persona - my emotional vulnerability. And because I'm not shy and because people perceive me as strong, they are very surprised that I am this much of a basket case in this situation. Doesn't surprise me one bit - after all, I live inside my head all-day, everyday.
Because this is all so wrong. Because this person who has deserted my family is not the man I married, I just can't get past the fact that eventually, my real husband is going to wake up and realize what he had done. He is not living in reality and doesn't have any responsibilities right now. He has not paid for anything in our household in 11 weeks. He has only seen our 10 year old son twice in that time. He stood him up this past Thursday to spend time with his girlfriend instead. Like I said - this is not the man I love. I feel like I am mourning a death - the death of my husband. I feel more like a widow than a person in the beginnings of a divorce. I just keep hoping and praying my real husband will wake up and realize how wrong this all is in time. And despite how it sounds, this is not a selfish prayer. Because when this is all said and done, if he doesn't wake up, the kids and I will ultimately somehow be okay, but he is going to be left with nothing. Not materialistically, but nothing in the way of family (most of his family is dead). And I will always love him so this bothers me because I can see what he is setting himself up for, while he cannot. And if he could just wake up in time, it could all be avoided. But no matter how much I wish, no matter how much I pray, God has His own plan for us. We just have to wait and see. Let go and let God as they say.
Anyway, I have set myself and my son up to talk to therapists. I have always been against this kind of thing but I have never been truly depressed before. I've been sad and I've been "down" but I have never lost interest in almost everything. I don't get into my favorite tv shows much anymore (Is Survivor any good this time? I have no idea.) I am a voracious reader - but you knew that already. Can't get into that although I am forcing myself to read "Twilight" at my daughter's insistance and have to admit - it is pretty good so far.) I have always loved to eat. I have dropped about 25 pounds in 11 weeks. I don't eat very often, and when I do, I don't eat much. And I dont' enjoy it - not even my beloved potatoes. My clothes are falling off of me and I can't afford to buy new pants. One good thing - my gi pants are actually loose now. They used to be tight and uncomfy. And my son is afraid to let me out of his sight - afraid I will leave him too - like his dad did. I told him that will never ever happen and also that even tho he's not really showing it now, his dad loves him too and always will. But he still needs someone to talk to as well.
But like I said, we'll be okay. It's just hard trying to move forward when you are so mired in the day-to-day of all this. The man who looks like my husband is moving ahead with this girlfriend and changing things into his name, etc. While I'm doing all that as well, I'm also trying to help a 10 yo ADHD son who thinks everyone is going to leave him, an 18 yo daughter who has seen how a man can look like someone she knew and trusted, but become someone totally unworthy of respect, trying to figure out how to pay the bills and still feed the three of us and the new big dog we got when my husband was supposedly coming home a few weeks ago.
Okay, I cried once today already when I made the appt. with the therapist. So then, today will be the day I only cried once. (which is also a feat in itself.)
Please continue to join me in prayer that the real Mr. Martial Arts Mom will surface and stop this insanity and until that time, to give MAM and the karate kids the strength to deal with all this. Thanks again for all your prayers and support.

Thursday, March 5, 2009

The Reason I've Been Gone So Long...

Okay, I'm ready to spill my guts.

You just wouldn't believe the last 3 months of my life. I can't believe the last 3 months of my life.

First of all, keep in mind I am an only child, so I have no brothers and sisters to help me with my elderly, not-so-healthy parents.

Started a few days before Christmas. My dad's internal defibrillator went off twice. We were told by the hospital that both times, had he not had the defibrillator, the heart rhthyms would have been fatal. He has not fully recovered from that yet. He has lost alot of weight, become dehydrated a couple of times that have lasted almost since December. He's been hospitalized 4 times since Dec. 23rd. He came home again day before yesterday and seems to be doing a little better.

Then there is my mom. She is diabetic and on dialysis 3 times per week, 4 hrs each time. She is not very healthy either. She had to have a toe amputated about 3 weeks ago. She seems to be healing alright, albeit slowly. She has alot of pain tho and with her weak heart, they can't give her stronger pain meds.

Then there is me. My marriage that is. My husband left our family on January 4th. We have been together since we were 14 & 15 years old (and we're 42 and 44 now) He said I treated him like a child (which I own up to) and also becuase I did not back him up in disciplining our kids - especially our 18 yo daughter. (again, I admit this.) However, His leaving made me really and truly realize that I was doing this - a true "Come to Jesus meeting" as my former boss used to call a major self-realization like this. I accepted the blame for that and apologized and told him I was very ready to make that up to him. He went to stay with his guy friend. He said he just needed some time to think things over and figure out if he could trust me to change. (I have a track record of being controlling, etc. and not changing for good but that was then and I didn't see the problem then - in the past, I just agreed to change to keep the peace. This time, I truly saw it for what it was I was doing and was prepared to change for life...for myself as much as him.)

He has always talked to women easier than men, and he and I share a female best friend. She is like both of our sister we've known her so long. He confided in her as well as my female cousin. They did not tell me specifics he said, but tried to keep me clued in on his state of mind and convince him I'd changed for real and to at least give it another try. He waivered back and forth numerous times. As recently as a week and a half ago, he was going to come home to try. But equally as much, he'd tell them he wasn't coming home no matter what.

Now he is seeing a woman. They started out as just friends but it has went further than that now. He said he is not coming home now. I reluctantly told him I was filing for divorce and he said to do what I had to do. (He had said no quite a few times before this during the 2 months he has been gone.) But there was no other option. Right now he is living in fantasy land - no responsibilities - a new relationship and every night at the bar playing pool or at the casino. How can the allure of all that compete with a wife, an ADHD 10 yo son, an 18 yo teen who has gotten her own way and played us against each other and responsibilities????

My dilemma is that I still love this man. I know I had some part in all this (see above) but alot of it is just your full blown mid life crisis. Everyone who knows him says he has changed and is not thinking clearly. Guys he works with says he acts strange at work. He has alienated all our friends. (Why couldn't his mid life crisis just have been buying a Harley or a Vette????)

I feel that once he is living in reality again and realizes he is giving up his home, his family (besides us, he only has an aunt and uncle out of state of his own left as well as a very ill elderly grandma), he is going to realize he has made a huge mistake. We are very tight knit with our neighbors...we have block parties, sit around on the driveway on summer nights drinking and talking, our close friends who we've been close with for over 20 years won't do anything with him and anyone else. EVERYONE backs me up - not that they are blaming him for being leary of me changing, but because he won't even try and has just deserted us for this "single guy" life. I just truly believe he is going to wake up one of these days and regret this decision more than anything in the world. I truly believe he still loves me and his family even if he doesn't know it himself. Right now, it's all "me,me,me". (My friends all think I'm being delusional, but I've known the man for all my life basically and the heart knows what the heart knows.)

So, if you are of the praying type, I am asking, make that begging a favor of you - would you please join with me to pray for strength for me and my kids and even more importantly, for God to please, please open my husband's eyes to reality before it is too late? I have been asking everyone I know to please pray this for my family and have been praying without ceasing myself. The more people that pray, the better. So, I would truly appreciate any prayer support you can all supply. Thank you!