Monday, March 23, 2009

Just MAM.....

Well, I am getting stronger every day.



If you were one of the people who has to listen to me whine & cry lately, you'd probably roll your eyes at that statement. I have good days and I have bad days, but the good days are starting to finally outnumber the bad. (Oh, God, I hope...)



I will always love my husband. No matter what. I don't like the new person he has become, but I will love the old him that I was married to forever. And with all my heart, I hope the real him will come back into existence some day. Whether he comes back to me and his family or not - I just hope that wonderful guy is still in there somewhere and isn't gone forever.



But I have realized, in looking around, that there are alot of really nice guys out there who would appreciate a caring, interesting Martial Arts Mom like me. I met one guy at the bowling alley, who I am hoping will call me soon. He is the brother of a friend of a friend. And he is fun. He is good looking. I think I could really like this guy. I get the vibe that he likes me too. I hope! Only time will tell...



I also met a real live cowboy. Yep - a bull rider at that. He rode in rodeos until about a year ago because his knee was shattered when a bull pinned it between the chute and his ribcage. Ouch! I also think I had about 10 years on him, but he was still interested. He seemed like a very nice guy. Again, only time will tell.



I still can't believe my husband of almost 23 years, the man I've been with since he wasn't even a man yet - only 14 years old - is going to let a mid-life crisis ruin our family's lives - most of all his own. I still wake up almost every morning thinking he'll be lying there next to me and this has all been a nightmare. It really is a nightmare alright - but it's one I'm having while wide awake.



As I've told you in past posts, I keep praying for all of us, but especially him to wake up and realize what he is doing. And then I wonder if there is something else I could do to convince him to come home but then I think it thru and know that if he is meant to come home, the realization is going to have to come from within himself to be true. I can't change anyone but myself.



And from within is where this strength I'm regaining is coming from. I have returned to karate every week and it truly is therapy. I feel so much stronger after getting my martial arts fix for the week.


Other than being a good wife (I was - and still am if truth be told) and mother, I am most proud of stepping outside my comfort zone and starting martial arts. It shows me that I can think outside the box... my own anyway. It shows I have more physical endurance and strength than I though I did (Maybe not as much as many others but more than I thought was within me!) The fact that for 90 minutes each Thursday, I can be just me - nobody's wife, nobody's mom, nobody's daughter...just ME is very freeing and theraputic.


The way I feel when I'm in class is the way I want to feel all the time...confident, not as self-concious. I feel like the me before I was part of a twosome. I feel like I am gradually becoming MAM...just MAM, not "Hubby and MAM". I was just MAM when, at 15, I met Hubby to be. (Okay, I wasn't a mom then, but you get the point) and as hard as it is to accept and configure, I can be...no, I AM just MAM after him.

7 comments:

Steve said...

Glad you're starting to pull through.

I think you're being very, very generous and strong.

Martial Arts Mom said...

Thanks, Steve. The support from all my diverse groups of friends/relatives is one of the great things that have come of this awful situation - I knew I had alot of friends but wow! Never knew I had this many! From what I hear, reality is starting to rear it's ugly head in his world as of late. Bout time he feels just some of the reality I've been feeling for the past 3 months!

Becky said...

I'm glad that you are feeling better.

Diver Daisy said...

yeah you! Hey - does class start up this Thursday?

Martial Arts Mom said...

Diver Daisy - Yes class starts again this Thursday. (Or actually Tues. but I can't come to Tues. as I have to take the mandatory parenting class for people getting divorced.

Michele said...

This is a very powerful post. I am glad to hear that you feel stronger and more confident.

Martial Arts Mom said...

Thanks, Michele. Just trying to take it a day at a time...more like an hour at a time. It is such a weird feeling to be seeing yourself as someone different. When, you're not really different - you're just seeing yourself without the other person...in other words, seeing the true you. In some cases, I'm liking what I'm finding out about myself. In others, I'm finding I need some work. (My elbows are really rough..among other things...lol!)