Tuesday, March 10, 2009

The Crying Game...

Well, I did it.
I went one whole day without crying.
Doesn't sound like a big deal does it? Yet it is earth shattering for me in the state of mind I'm in right now.
Yesterday I got out of bed and resolved to myself that I would not cry at all that day...for the first time in the 11 weeks since my husband's mid-life crisis alter-ego left us. And I did it. Thre were some close calls, but I stopped, regrouped, and managed not to spill a tear.
It's only 10:30 am the next day and I can't say I've fared as well today. I am a strong person. I am a very practical person. But I'm also a very emotional person. My feelings run very, very deep. I am very sensitive. And this is what makes cancels out alot of that strong persona - my emotional vulnerability. And because I'm not shy and because people perceive me as strong, they are very surprised that I am this much of a basket case in this situation. Doesn't surprise me one bit - after all, I live inside my head all-day, everyday.
Because this is all so wrong. Because this person who has deserted my family is not the man I married, I just can't get past the fact that eventually, my real husband is going to wake up and realize what he had done. He is not living in reality and doesn't have any responsibilities right now. He has not paid for anything in our household in 11 weeks. He has only seen our 10 year old son twice in that time. He stood him up this past Thursday to spend time with his girlfriend instead. Like I said - this is not the man I love. I feel like I am mourning a death - the death of my husband. I feel more like a widow than a person in the beginnings of a divorce. I just keep hoping and praying my real husband will wake up and realize how wrong this all is in time. And despite how it sounds, this is not a selfish prayer. Because when this is all said and done, if he doesn't wake up, the kids and I will ultimately somehow be okay, but he is going to be left with nothing. Not materialistically, but nothing in the way of family (most of his family is dead). And I will always love him so this bothers me because I can see what he is setting himself up for, while he cannot. And if he could just wake up in time, it could all be avoided. But no matter how much I wish, no matter how much I pray, God has His own plan for us. We just have to wait and see. Let go and let God as they say.
Anyway, I have set myself and my son up to talk to therapists. I have always been against this kind of thing but I have never been truly depressed before. I've been sad and I've been "down" but I have never lost interest in almost everything. I don't get into my favorite tv shows much anymore (Is Survivor any good this time? I have no idea.) I am a voracious reader - but you knew that already. Can't get into that although I am forcing myself to read "Twilight" at my daughter's insistance and have to admit - it is pretty good so far.) I have always loved to eat. I have dropped about 25 pounds in 11 weeks. I don't eat very often, and when I do, I don't eat much. And I dont' enjoy it - not even my beloved potatoes. My clothes are falling off of me and I can't afford to buy new pants. One good thing - my gi pants are actually loose now. They used to be tight and uncomfy. And my son is afraid to let me out of his sight - afraid I will leave him too - like his dad did. I told him that will never ever happen and also that even tho he's not really showing it now, his dad loves him too and always will. But he still needs someone to talk to as well.
But like I said, we'll be okay. It's just hard trying to move forward when you are so mired in the day-to-day of all this. The man who looks like my husband is moving ahead with this girlfriend and changing things into his name, etc. While I'm doing all that as well, I'm also trying to help a 10 yo ADHD son who thinks everyone is going to leave him, an 18 yo daughter who has seen how a man can look like someone she knew and trusted, but become someone totally unworthy of respect, trying to figure out how to pay the bills and still feed the three of us and the new big dog we got when my husband was supposedly coming home a few weeks ago.
Okay, I cried once today already when I made the appt. with the therapist. So then, today will be the day I only cried once. (which is also a feat in itself.)
Please continue to join me in prayer that the real Mr. Martial Arts Mom will surface and stop this insanity and until that time, to give MAM and the karate kids the strength to deal with all this. Thanks again for all your prayers and support.


Becky said...

I know how you feel. I can't remember how long it took me to go a whole day without crying after my ex left me. It will get easier as time passes.

I'm glad you are going to see a therapist. I know it's hard to admit we need help, but honestly, this is one of the best things you can be doing right now.

hugs and prayers.

Martial Arts Mom said...

Thanks, Becky. It is just so hard because I feel like the real Mr. MAM is in there down deep somewhere and I still love him. But this guy who looks like him - I don't love him.

I will never give up that God will intervene in time and wake the real Mr. MAM up. Thanks for joining me in that prayer.

Tina said...

I am Daisys sister . . .
I dont mean for my words to sound harsh or disrespectful, I want them to be taken with hope. You WILL get through this. Everyday its a SHRED easier. Perhaps letting go, taking a deep breath and saying its time to move forward would be beneficial instead of wishing he would come back and be what he was. Sometimes, now matter how hard you wish, you cant change other people. . . . so maybe its time to stop trying. You have your health, your life and your children who are healthy. Try to find joy (even the littlest bit) in the small things such as these. Keep your friends close and let them help you take the mud and make some mud pies!

Martial Arts Mom said...

Thanks Tina. I know you're not trying to be harsh. Everyone is feeling the same way toward me - they don't understand why I'm not more mad. And I am...trust me...and getting madder all the time. More sad than anything. Sad because it is something that shouldn't have happened and didn't have to happen. His new persona made all the choices and I 've had no choice in the matter. But since I filed for divorce, reality is going to start crashing down all around him and as mad as I am, I really feel sorry for him despite all he has put me thru. I think he wll live to regret this more than anything he's ever done - both materialistically but even more the loss of family and friends. It is sad that a midlife crisis and stupid decisions on his part will ruin his life even more than mine and the kids. I will never stop praying that the old Mr. MAM comes back, but I've also started adding to my prayer for God to give me the wisdom to not take anything my husband says at face value. I would have to know for absolute positive sure he really and truly wanted to try...and if he did - it would be on MY terms. I don't think it is going to happen though. I do have my eye on a guy and I think he likes me too but not making a move yet or I wouldn't be any better than what my husband is doing. I will honor those vows until the law says it is legal. Then this guy better watch out! : )