Thursday, March 5, 2009

The Reason I've Been Gone So Long...

Okay, I'm ready to spill my guts.

You just wouldn't believe the last 3 months of my life. I can't believe the last 3 months of my life.

First of all, keep in mind I am an only child, so I have no brothers and sisters to help me with my elderly, not-so-healthy parents.

Started a few days before Christmas. My dad's internal defibrillator went off twice. We were told by the hospital that both times, had he not had the defibrillator, the heart rhthyms would have been fatal. He has not fully recovered from that yet. He has lost alot of weight, become dehydrated a couple of times that have lasted almost since December. He's been hospitalized 4 times since Dec. 23rd. He came home again day before yesterday and seems to be doing a little better.

Then there is my mom. She is diabetic and on dialysis 3 times per week, 4 hrs each time. She is not very healthy either. She had to have a toe amputated about 3 weeks ago. She seems to be healing alright, albeit slowly. She has alot of pain tho and with her weak heart, they can't give her stronger pain meds.

Then there is me. My marriage that is. My husband left our family on January 4th. We have been together since we were 14 & 15 years old (and we're 42 and 44 now) He said I treated him like a child (which I own up to) and also becuase I did not back him up in disciplining our kids - especially our 18 yo daughter. (again, I admit this.) However, His leaving made me really and truly realize that I was doing this - a true "Come to Jesus meeting" as my former boss used to call a major self-realization like this. I accepted the blame for that and apologized and told him I was very ready to make that up to him. He went to stay with his guy friend. He said he just needed some time to think things over and figure out if he could trust me to change. (I have a track record of being controlling, etc. and not changing for good but that was then and I didn't see the problem then - in the past, I just agreed to change to keep the peace. This time, I truly saw it for what it was I was doing and was prepared to change for life...for myself as much as him.)

He has always talked to women easier than men, and he and I share a female best friend. She is like both of our sister we've known her so long. He confided in her as well as my female cousin. They did not tell me specifics he said, but tried to keep me clued in on his state of mind and convince him I'd changed for real and to at least give it another try. He waivered back and forth numerous times. As recently as a week and a half ago, he was going to come home to try. But equally as much, he'd tell them he wasn't coming home no matter what.

Now he is seeing a woman. They started out as just friends but it has went further than that now. He said he is not coming home now. I reluctantly told him I was filing for divorce and he said to do what I had to do. (He had said no quite a few times before this during the 2 months he has been gone.) But there was no other option. Right now he is living in fantasy land - no responsibilities - a new relationship and every night at the bar playing pool or at the casino. How can the allure of all that compete with a wife, an ADHD 10 yo son, an 18 yo teen who has gotten her own way and played us against each other and responsibilities????

My dilemma is that I still love this man. I know I had some part in all this (see above) but alot of it is just your full blown mid life crisis. Everyone who knows him says he has changed and is not thinking clearly. Guys he works with says he acts strange at work. He has alienated all our friends. (Why couldn't his mid life crisis just have been buying a Harley or a Vette????)

I feel that once he is living in reality again and realizes he is giving up his home, his family (besides us, he only has an aunt and uncle out of state of his own left as well as a very ill elderly grandma), he is going to realize he has made a huge mistake. We are very tight knit with our neighbors...we have block parties, sit around on the driveway on summer nights drinking and talking, our close friends who we've been close with for over 20 years won't do anything with him and anyone else. EVERYONE backs me up - not that they are blaming him for being leary of me changing, but because he won't even try and has just deserted us for this "single guy" life. I just truly believe he is going to wake up one of these days and regret this decision more than anything in the world. I truly believe he still loves me and his family even if he doesn't know it himself. Right now, it's all "me,me,me". (My friends all think I'm being delusional, but I've known the man for all my life basically and the heart knows what the heart knows.)

So, if you are of the praying type, I am asking, make that begging a favor of you - would you please join with me to pray for strength for me and my kids and even more importantly, for God to please, please open my husband's eyes to reality before it is too late? I have been asking everyone I know to please pray this for my family and have been praying without ceasing myself. The more people that pray, the better. So, I would truly appreciate any prayer support you can all supply. Thank you!

13 comments:

jeffrey.embry said...

My prayers are with you...but get back to the dojo. It will help bring balance back to your life and help you to handle what life throws at you.

- Jeff -

Martial Arts Mom said...

Jeff-How did you know I've gotten away from the dojo? I have missed the past 3 wks but have been staying in touch with one of my sensei (who is very wise and very spiritual and has great advice) I will be going back tonight. Have an awful head cold/cough though so I'm hoping to get thru the class w/o coughing up a lung or peeing my pants from doing so! :) And thanks for the prayers.

Becky said...

In addition to prayers and the dojo, I strongly encourage you to get some marriage counseling, even if your husband won't go. Go by yourself. If anything, it will help you heal.

Love and prayers

Blackbeltmama said...

You poor girl. You have my prayers. I'm so sorry for all you've been through. Hang in there.

And I agree with the get back to the dojo thing. I went back tonight. Best thing I've done in a while.

Meg said...

Getting back to the dojang will help you work out your frustrations and will help you re-focus yourself. I wish I could do something for you, but the only thing I can offer is support and gentle (((HUGS)))

CrimsonPhoenix said...

Oh, wow. I'll definitely be praying too! I'm glad to hear that you're going back to class though. I know how good it is for me if I've had a lot on my mind to just get back to something familiar.

~ Crimson

Perpetual Beginner said...

That is a ton for anyone to have to deal with. Be kind to yourself, please. If you're anything like me, the more stressed you get, the harder you will be on yourself - and you do not need to add to your own pressure.

You were already in my prayers, but now they'll have a more specific focus. (((Martial Arts Mom)))

Martial Arts Mom said...

Last night, he didn't show up to p/u our son from karate. He called my daughter instead to pick him up saying he had to go get some things from his step sister in a town pretty far from ours. My daughter didn't buy it and checked the other woman's house. He was there. This morning, he called me and accused me of sicking my daughter on him to find out where he was. I told him it was her who decided to do it because she could tell he was lying. We had a nice long conversation about how he is the one who decided to leave our family, and that he had to live with that decision, etc. I remained strong and steadfast. Told him that I did not want this divorce, nor do I want this divorce and that I would always love him and want him to be happy. But that the person I loved is gone and I don't know who he is now. I told him if his gf makes him happy that is good because by giving up his family and friends, she will be all he has and hopefully that will be enough. So, I am pretty much past the point of no return, however, I will continue to pray for him to truly wake up and have a real revelation, but I can't dwell on it anymore. I have to move on even tho I really want him to wake up and us to be restored as a family. With the person he is right now, that won't be able to happen. So, please continue the prayers. The two bright spots to this whole mess is that I've found how many true friends I have - TONS! I have a great support network and he can't say that at all. The other good thing - I've lost about 20 -25 lbs. But I can't recommend the divorce diet to anyone - I'd rather be fat and happy.

Michele said...

I will continue to keep you and your family in my prayers.

Martial Arts Mom said...

I am getting ready to leave work to go to the lawyer to sign the papers with which he will be served probably next week or the week after. I know I'm being stupid, but I am just hoping the miracle will come and before this is all finalized he will come to his senses. Again, I know you're tired of hearing it - please keep praying...

Meg said...

You are not being stupid!! You've got to do what is best for your family.

I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers, hon!

Martial Arts Mom said...

I feel a bit stronger this morning. Not much, but a little bit. I vowed I am going to go my first full day w/o crying today since he left. It is so hard not to. My son has decided he is afraid to let me out of his sight - afraid I'll leave him too. It is heartbreaking. I will continue to pray for a miracle eye opening but have to move on as if it could never happen. Thanks again for all the support...

Minivan Ninja said...

Yes, get back to the dojo, but also make sure you are taking care of yourself. Stress can wreak havoc on the strongest of people.

Give your kids lots of hugs and take a virtual one from me. Hoping you get the best possible outcome, whatever that might be.

{{{{{{{HUG}}}}}}}}