Life is What Happens to You While You're Busy Making Other Plans...

John Lennon wrote "Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans" in "Beautiful Boy", a song to comfort his son, Sean, after a nightmare. I don't know if Lennon came up with that motto himself or if it was an old saying from the ages, but whoever penned it - they were sooooo wise...and soooo right!

Well, I have a surprising twist in my life to share with all of you. After 7 months of a severe mid-life crisis, my husband of 23 years pulled his head from "the dark place" and asked if we could try to save our marriage. I told him I could see it coming for a few months now. He was calling me 5-6 times per day, making any excuse he could to come to the house almost every day, etc.

He and his "girlfriend" (quotes because she just kept telling him they were just friends for months and wouldn't let him come to any family/friend gatherings with her, used him to cut her grass, do work on her truck and her house, etc.) parted ways. So, then I had to decide whether to stay in the relationship with "Forrest", with all his baggage that was not getting unpacked or to try again with the man I've loved since I was 15 years old - the man with which I have two children and with whom I have built a life over the 29 years since we met as young teens. It was a tough decision, but I knew the right thing to do.

As much as I love "Forrest", like I said, the baggage was not getting unpacked - and let me tell you - no airline in the world would accept luggage that big and heavy. So, independently from making a decision about whether to try to work on my marriage, I had previously realized that I don't take to traveling much and I just couldn't check that enormous luggage into my life. I tearfully broke it off with "Forrest" a few days before I made the decision to try to save my marriage. We both cried and I still love and miss him, but I'm going to do everything I can to make an even better marriage and life for my family.

Talk about timing - Our final divorce paperwork was to be filed on August 3rd. Of course, I can't get inside my husband's head, but I truly believe he realizes what he almost lost - what our whole family almost lost. He has been showering me with affection - PDAs too, which always makes a woman feel good. We are talking more than we ever have - about a lot of different subjects we never touched on before - serious and silly. (And the silly is just as serious to me as the serious.) That is what I miss the most about "Forrest" - his "goofballness". And now that my husband is talking more, it has helped. We started seeing a counselor yesterday, which he would not even hear of when he first left in January. Like I said, I think he truly knows how close we came to losing all we've worked for over the last 29 years together.

One of our biggest challenges has always been money - or lack thereof, I guess I should say. That is one challenge that could make or break our attempt at dodging divorce. We now have about $2000 more debt in the way of lawyers fees. The lawyers & judge have agreed to let us put the divorce on a shelf until November just in case this does not work out, we would not have to start all over again. (Not that we are starting this relationship rebirth on a negative note, just a practical one.)

Our kids seem very happy the family is reunited. Our 11 yo son seems to have calmed down a bit and our 19 yo daughter, who when first told we were going to reunite, was obviously upset...okay, maybe overwhelmed is a better word. But she came to our house with a few of our other close friends when my husband put my wedding rings back on my finger and I put his back on his when he asked me to be married to him again. And she seemed like her old self. She and her boyfriend also went to a free concert with us this past weekend, went to our country lot and rode 4-wheelers with us and then back to our house to grill and the kids swim. She seems genuinely happy with it now.

So, in a nutshell, please keep my family in your prayers. I am hoping since things will hopefully start to level out and our new relationship and family dynamics will improve my frame of mind, that I can get back to martial arts. It has been months since I have been able to concentrate enough to do anything plus all the stress has affected me physically and there were alot of times my mind was all psyched up for class but my body resisted by throwing me a cough, terrible headaches and then there is my bad knee that gives me trouble off and on.

And I'll end like I began - even though my husband's and my plans are to work on our marriage & make it even better than it was before, sometimes it's as simple (and as complicated!) as John Lennon said, "Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans."

Yellow Belt - Here HE comes...

My 11 yo son, "Buddy" is finally testing for his yellow belt. Because we have a very casual, once-per-week class, and because he is just not very motivated, he has been doing martial arts for a long time and has still not been ready to test. He knows the moves of the basic moves, the kumites and the katas on which he'll be tested, but he just doesn't put the "purpose" into the moves...if you get what I mean.

He knows how to do the moves properly, but he just kind of flails his arms and legs around doing them. For instance, I have tried to explain to him how in our Basic # 1 Kata that he must imagine there are attackers coming at him from all sides and he just does the moves. He doesn't "defend" himself as he really would if those attackers were not imaginary.

So, Sensei thinks he is finally ready and so he is being tested this Thursday for his yellow belt. Like I said, I know he "knows his stuff" but because of his ADHD, he has some focus issues plus just lacks plain motivation.

Please cross your fingers for "Buddy". I know this achievement would really go a long way in upping his motivation. I'll keep you posted.

Overcoming Your Own Self-Inflicted Stereotype...

In the past 6 months, I have learned many things about myself. Some of them bad, some of them good. But I've told you that already. But I don't think I've actually named them...

I'll start with the bad things.

1. Control Issues - I tend to want to control situations and people. I am getting better at this but it's not easy by any stretch. (See my last post, "Control Issues".)

2. I worry. And I don't just mean casual worrying. I mean monumental, "if-I don't-have-anything-valid-to worry-about-I'll-make-something-up-to-worry-about" type worrying. I often liken my mind to the internet. I think of one thing, which links to something else, then to something beyond that, and on and on. If I think of something that many would not even think twice about, I can almost guarantee you I will have myself worked into a lather about something that could/might go wrong with the situation. Take my word for it - This is an AWFUL trait to have.

3. Another negative - and I only say that because I'm pessimistic by nature. And that is just it - that I'm a pessimist by nature. I really am an upbeat person from the outside but inside my head, my philosophy is "Blessed are those who expect nothing for they are not disappointed." I tell myself that if I think the worst, if it happens, then I was not blind sighted by it. If something great happens instead, I have been given an extra perk. But then at this point, refer to the paragraph above this one - then I'll figure out something else to worry about! It can be hell living in my head...really.

4. I'm very emotional. I have very deep feelings and when I love someone, I want to know they love me too. And if I can't tell for sure, it really cuts me deep emotionally.

5. I've always had an inferiority complex. Always. My mom cannot figure it out. She, being my mom, of course, thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. (or is it since white bread?) You know what I mean...But I do have a terrible self image. I have always felt ugly and fat and just...well - ugly.

Have you noticed I have not gotten to any good points I've discovered about myself? Well, again, reference numbers 3 and 5 above.

Okay, the reason I decided to write this post is to tell you something rather silly and I was trying to make it sound profound.

This past Saturday, I went out in public wearing shorts for the first time in at least 25 years. Yes, goofy but you have absolutely no idea how BIG that was for me. My new guy, "Forrest" has been giving me trouble about how I wear jeans in 90 degree weather. I told him my legs were too white (they just won't tan) and the nasty dark blue veins I have make my legs look like a roadmap. They are too fat - especially my knees. How in the world did my knees get so fat????? Whatever the case, I've been tanning so my legs actually have an off-white color to them now and the veins are not quite as stark against the new, softer, darker color. I 've also lost quite a bit of weight so my legs have thinned out somewhat, although my thighs and especially my knees are still gargantuan! But I found some shorts yesteday at Kohl's that not only don't look bad, they actually look good! So, I am anxious for Forrest to see me wear my new shorts. I know this sounds crazy, but somehow in this horrible divorce and its aftermath, I have found some confidence in myself in something as simple as a pair of shorts.

Today I'm wearing shorts - Tomorrow I'll be overcoming another stereotype I've always assigned to myself.

My challenge for you today- do something to break one of your own self-inflicted stereotypes...whether it be wearing shorts or running a marathon. The effect on your self esteem will be the same.

Control Issues...

This post really doesn't really have much to do with martial arts, as most of my posts in the past 6 months haven't either. With the shock of my husband walking out after almost 29 years together, and now the impending divorce, my martial arts have taken a back burner. I still love m.a. and still practice often, but I don't make it to class every week like I used to. I have other fish to fry at this particular moment in my life. My Sensei understand this and ironically, in about December, he even gave a talk about how martial arts is important, but God and your family cannot be put on the back burner. At the time, I agreed with his imparted wisdom, but had no idea how applicable it was going to be in the coming months.

One of the biggest reasons my husband cited for leaving was my reluctance to allow him to make important decisions in our family life. And despite his other mid-life crisis issues, he was right about this.

I have learned to relinquish some of the control I've always tried so hard to maintain. Some would have called me a control freak before my husband walked out in January. Okay, EVERYONE would have called me a control freak back then. And I still have issues, but I have learned to let someone else drive the bus.

That someone - I'll give him the MAM Blog code name of "Forrest" (because we call each other Forrest & Jenny like in the movie "Forrest Gump") - has been driving my bus lately. Wow - that sounds dirty doesn't it? But this is a family blog so you know that is NOT a euphanism for other things. Well, on second thought, it really is a eupahnism - but one for giving up control - not one insinuating questionable things.

Forrest and I started seeing each other 10 weeks ago this coming Friday. And my life changed forever. He helped me see that life goes on after my husband left. He is a goofball. I say that in a good way...I'm a goofball too and we just "click". He is a semi-control freak too. However, when my soon-to-be-ex-husband left, I did some soul searching and realized that although not all of the problem, I was, indeed, part of it and needed to make some changes in myself. The first and most noticeable change was that I needed to let go of the need to control every minute little detail of my life, my kids' lives, well - everyone's lives. And, with Forrest, I have finally met my match!

He does almost all the calling. I rarely call him - he calls me. The old controlling me would have hounded the poor man to death via cell phone. It is liberating to know that he wants to talk to me enough to do the calling.

He usually decides where we are going to go when we go out. And he surprises me with drinks that I'd probably have never tried had I not met him. I go to the ladies' room and come back and there is some new drink for me to try. I stuck with the same few staples I've always drank until now. My newest favorite is Southern Comfort and Sprite. Good stuff!

The ultimate realization that I had given up my control freak ways was when Forrest and I went camping over the Memorial Day weekend. In the past, I have always been the one to decide what we were going to eat when camping, as well as being responsible for shopping for it. I would be the one to make all the lists of what we needed to bring and then to make sure it was packed and ready to go. Forrest took care of EVERYTHING. I did not have to do a thing. He shopped for our food, marinated the roast he got for us, cooked it all at the campground and cut it up for me and brought the plate to me. I thought he was going to feed it to me too! It was heaven having everything taken care of for me. But it also spoiled me. I was enjoying not having to do any prep so much that in not making a list, I forgot my cell phone charger! The one darn thing I forgot - because it was the only darn thing I needed to remember!!!!

So, in conclusion, I still struggle with trying to control things. I probably always will. But it is refreshing and also even a relief to let someone else take the reins. I enjoy the feeling of letting him make the decisions. And the funny thing is in most cases, he makes decisions for me that I end up enjoying more than I would have had I made the choice myself. For example, sometimes he will make a choice for me and I will try it and end up enjoying something totally foreign to me. (Whodathunkit? I actually like bratwurst since the last time I tried it about 25 years ago!!!!) If I had never met Forrest, I'd probably have lived my life never trying bratwurst again.

Granted, that is just a silly little example of how I'm learning new things about myself on a daily basis. I am finding that by letting go of some old aspects of myself, I am gaining totally new, healthier aspects.

Like the "real" Forrest says, "Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're going to get." I love you, Forrest!