In the past 6 months, I have learned many things about myself. Some of them bad, some of them good. But I've told you that already. But I don't think I've actually named them...
I'll start with the bad things.
1. Control Issues - I tend to want to control situations and people. I am getting better at this but it's not easy by any stretch. (See my last post, "Control Issues".)
2. I worry. And I don't just mean casual worrying. I mean monumental, "if-I don't-have-anything-valid-to worry-about-I'll-make-something-up-to-worry-about" type worrying. I often liken my mind to the internet. I think of one thing, which links to something else, then to something beyond that, and on and on. If I think of something that many would not even think twice about, I can almost guarantee you I will have myself worked into a lather about something that could/might go wrong with the situation. Take my word for it - This is an AWFUL trait to have.
3. Another negative - and I only say that because I'm pessimistic by nature. And that is just it - that I'm a pessimist by nature. I really am an upbeat person from the outside but inside my head, my philosophy is "Blessed are those who expect nothing for they are not disappointed." I tell myself that if I think the worst, if it happens, then I was not blind sighted by it. If something great happens instead, I have been given an extra perk. But then at this point, refer to the paragraph above this one - then I'll figure out something else to worry about! It can be hell living in my head...really.
4. I'm very emotional. I have very deep feelings and when I love someone, I want to know they love me too. And if I can't tell for sure, it really cuts me deep emotionally.
5. I've always had an inferiority complex. Always. My mom cannot figure it out. She, being my mom, of course, thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. (or is it since white bread?) You know what I mean...But I do have a terrible self image. I have always felt ugly and fat and just...well - ugly.
Have you noticed I have not gotten to any good points I've discovered about myself? Well, again, reference numbers 3 and 5 above.
Okay, the reason I decided to write this post is to tell you something rather silly and I was trying to make it sound profound.
This past Saturday, I went out in public wearing shorts for the first time in at least 25 years. Yes, goofy but you have absolutely no idea how BIG that was for me. My new guy, "Forrest" has been giving me trouble about how I wear jeans in 90 degree weather. I told him my legs were too white (they just won't tan) and the nasty dark blue veins I have make my legs look like a roadmap. They are too fat - especially my knees. How in the world did my knees get so fat????? Whatever the case, I've been tanning so my legs actually have an off-white color to them now and the veins are not quite as stark against the new, softer, darker color. I 've also lost quite a bit of weight so my legs have thinned out somewhat, although my thighs and especially my knees are still gargantuan! But I found some shorts yesteday at Kohl's that not only don't look bad, they actually look good! So, I am anxious for Forrest to see me wear my new shorts. I know this sounds crazy, but somehow in this horrible divorce and its aftermath, I have found some confidence in myself in something as simple as a pair of shorts.
Today I'm wearing shorts - Tomorrow I'll be overcoming another stereotype I've always assigned to myself.
My challenge for you today- do something to break one of your own self-inflicted stereotypes...whether it be wearing shorts or running a marathon. The effect on your self esteem will be the same.