GI - Thou Art Loosed!

Back when I first started this blog, I did a post about how my gi was just a bit snug across my tummy. http://martialartsmom.blogspot.com/2008/06/to-gi-or-not-to-gi.html

Well, since I've been on the "divorce diet" for about 3 months, I am, well, not happy to report, but am reporting that I have lost quite a bit of weight and my gi pants not only are not snug, but they are baggy! I can actually perform kicks comfortably in my gi pants now! One of the very, very few advantages to divorce.

My gi top has also become a bit too large for me except in one area. (And if you don't know of which body part I speak, you need to reference yet another of my early posts - "Bend it Like Dolly - or Don't Let the Boobs Get You Down" http://martialartsmom.blogspot.com/2008/06/bend-it-like-dollyor-dont-let-boobs-get.html. I would always prefer clothing to be a bit too large on me than too small, but this is getting ridiculous - the extra material in my gi top is actually distracting me in class. I am going to have to break down and buy a size smaller. (You women out there will appreciate how satisfying it is to say those words, let alone verify them in print!)

All in all, as I said, I'd rather not be going through this horrible divorce that I don't want (and I think HE doens't want either but pride will not allow him to admit) and I'd much rather not be going through it and be FAT and HAPPY.

Blood, Sweat and Lightheadedness...

Last night, went to class and and was all ready to put in a good workout.

Well, as I've told you before, we work out for about 45 minutes before we actually do any martial arts. I was feeling strong - working out all my anger at my husband for standing up our 10 yo son again. (He was supposed to pick him up from karate but didn't show...long story...but if you read my blog you know the background - I won't go into detail) But suffice it to say, I was really disappointed in him and disappointed for our son. Okay, I was mad...seething mad.

Like I said, I'm in the middle of my iron woman marathon workout and I'm sweating buckets, but I usually do sweat alot so it didn't really worry me...still feeling good. Then, right near the end, I started feeling shaky and started to get that kind of "white-out" feeling you get behind your eyes when you get lightheaded and feel like you're going to pass out. Now I am wondering if it's just the emotions getting to me coupled with the working out. We take a break. I come back feeling fine again.

We start our walking kick practice. First roundhouses. One off front foot, the other feigning a low kick but then going for a higher roundhouse. After two times across the gym, the sweating and "white-out" feeling returned. I handed my target pad off to Sensei and said I needed to go sit out, which I did.

About 15 minutes later, I noticed Mack (I mentioned him and his encouragement to start martial arts training in one of my very first posts.) was on one knee and a few people standing around him. Next thing I knew, he was sitting next to me. We shared experiences of how we felt. He had the sweats and shaking but not the lightheadedness.

Another 10 minute into our conversation, Mack says he has figured out why he got to feeling this way - he had given blood the day before. I rolled up my sleeve and showed him the awful bruise I got from 1-1/2 days prior in donating blood myself. We started laughing because we realized that was the reason we both felt like that. One of our instructors was taking it easy that night, and Mack pointed out that, he too, had given blood the day before.

I should have known that giving blood could do something like that but didn't even think of it. Beyond that point, I waited over 2 hrs to give blood and at the almost full level in the bag, my vein clotted and they had to move the needle around a lot to try to get it flowing again. No go. But talk about a nasty bruise. It's about 3" in diameter and is a pretty burgundy color. You can actually see (and feel) the raised puncture mark because the woman rotated that needle around so much trying to get it flowing again.

After all was said and done, since I was a few drops short of a full bag (no jokes there - you know, few bricks short of a load, etc...) I was told my blood could not be given to a person because it was not a full bag. They would use it for research & testing. All that and this pretty bruise too.

But it was still worth it. And I would do it again, and probably will. I just won't do it on the day or two before karate class!

Just MAM.....

Well, I am getting stronger every day.



If you were one of the people who has to listen to me whine & cry lately, you'd probably roll your eyes at that statement. I have good days and I have bad days, but the good days are starting to finally outnumber the bad. (Oh, God, I hope...)



I will always love my husband. No matter what. I don't like the new person he has become, but I will love the old him that I was married to forever. And with all my heart, I hope the real him will come back into existence some day. Whether he comes back to me and his family or not - I just hope that wonderful guy is still in there somewhere and isn't gone forever.



But I have realized, in looking around, that there are alot of really nice guys out there who would appreciate a caring, interesting Martial Arts Mom like me. I met one guy at the bowling alley, who I am hoping will call me soon. He is the brother of a friend of a friend. And he is fun. He is good looking. I think I could really like this guy. I get the vibe that he likes me too. I hope! Only time will tell...



I also met a real live cowboy. Yep - a bull rider at that. He rode in rodeos until about a year ago because his knee was shattered when a bull pinned it between the chute and his ribcage. Ouch! I also think I had about 10 years on him, but he was still interested. He seemed like a very nice guy. Again, only time will tell.



I still can't believe my husband of almost 23 years, the man I've been with since he wasn't even a man yet - only 14 years old - is going to let a mid-life crisis ruin our family's lives - most of all his own. I still wake up almost every morning thinking he'll be lying there next to me and this has all been a nightmare. It really is a nightmare alright - but it's one I'm having while wide awake.



As I've told you in past posts, I keep praying for all of us, but especially him to wake up and realize what he is doing. And then I wonder if there is something else I could do to convince him to come home but then I think it thru and know that if he is meant to come home, the realization is going to have to come from within himself to be true. I can't change anyone but myself.



And from within is where this strength I'm regaining is coming from. I have returned to karate every week and it truly is therapy. I feel so much stronger after getting my martial arts fix for the week.


Other than being a good wife (I was - and still am if truth be told) and mother, I am most proud of stepping outside my comfort zone and starting martial arts. It shows me that I can think outside the box... my own anyway. It shows I have more physical endurance and strength than I though I did (Maybe not as much as many others but more than I thought was within me!) The fact that for 90 minutes each Thursday, I can be just me - nobody's wife, nobody's mom, nobody's daughter...just ME is very freeing and theraputic.


The way I feel when I'm in class is the way I want to feel all the time...confident, not as self-concious. I feel like the me before I was part of a twosome. I feel like I am gradually becoming MAM...just MAM, not "Hubby and MAM". I was just MAM when, at 15, I met Hubby to be. (Okay, I wasn't a mom then, but you get the point) and as hard as it is to accept and configure, I can be...no, I AM just MAM after him.

The Crying Game...

Well, I did it.

I went one whole day without crying.

Doesn't sound like a big deal does it? Yet it is earth shattering for me in the state of mind I'm in right now.

Yesterday I got out of bed and resolved to myself that I would not cry at all that day...for the first time in the 11 weeks since my husband's mid-life crisis alter-ego left us. And I did it. Thre were some close calls, but I stopped, regrouped, and managed not to spill a tear.

It's only 10:30 am the next day and I can't say I've fared as well today. I am a strong person. I am a very practical person. But I'm also a very emotional person. My feelings run very, very deep. I am very sensitive. And this is what makes cancels out alot of that strong persona - my emotional vulnerability. And because I'm not shy and because people perceive me as strong, they are very surprised that I am this much of a basket case in this situation. Doesn't surprise me one bit - after all, I live inside my head all-day, everyday.

Because this is all so wrong. Because this person who has deserted my family is not the man I married, I just can't get past the fact that eventually, my real husband is going to wake up and realize what he had done. He is not living in reality and doesn't have any responsibilities right now. He has not paid for anything in our household in 11 weeks. He has only seen our 10 year old son twice in that time. He stood him up this past Thursday to spend time with his girlfriend instead. Like I said - this is not the man I love. I feel like I am mourning a death - the death of my husband. I feel more like a widow than a person in the beginnings of a divorce. I just keep hoping and praying my real husband will wake up and realize how wrong this all is in time. And despite how it sounds, this is not a selfish prayer. Because when this is all said and done, if he doesn't wake up, the kids and I will ultimately somehow be okay, but he is going to be left with nothing. Not materialistically, but nothing in the way of family (most of his family is dead). And I will always love him so this bothers me because I can see what he is setting himself up for, while he cannot. And if he could just wake up in time, it could all be avoided. But no matter how much I wish, no matter how much I pray, God has His own plan for us. We just have to wait and see. Let go and let God as they say.

Anyway, I have set myself and my son up to talk to therapists. I have always been against this kind of thing but I have never been truly depressed before. I've been sad and I've been "down" but I have never lost interest in almost everything. I don't get into my favorite tv shows much anymore (Is Survivor any good this time? I have no idea.) I am a voracious reader - but you knew that already. Can't get into that although I am forcing myself to read "Twilight" at my daughter's insistance and have to admit - it is pretty good so far.) I have always loved to eat. I have dropped about 25 pounds in 11 weeks. I don't eat very often, and when I do, I don't eat much. And I dont' enjoy it - not even my beloved potatoes. My clothes are falling off of me and I can't afford to buy new pants. One good thing - my gi pants are actually loose now. They used to be tight and uncomfy. And my son is afraid to let me out of his sight - afraid I will leave him too - like his dad did. I told him that will never ever happen and also that even tho he's not really showing it now, his dad loves him too and always will. But he still needs someone to talk to as well.

But like I said, we'll be okay. It's just hard trying to move forward when you are so mired in the day-to-day of all this. The man who looks like my husband is moving ahead with this girlfriend and changing things into his name, etc. While I'm doing all that as well, I'm also trying to help a 10 yo ADHD son who thinks everyone is going to leave him, an 18 yo daughter who has seen how a man can look like someone she knew and trusted, but become someone totally unworthy of respect, trying to figure out how to pay the bills and still feed the three of us and the new big dog we got when my husband was supposedly coming home a few weeks ago.

Okay, I cried once today already when I made the appt. with the therapist. So then, today will be the day I only cried once. (which is also a feat in itself.)

Please continue to join me in prayer that the real Mr. Martial Arts Mom will surface and stop this insanity and until that time, to give MAM and the karate kids the strength to deal with all this. Thanks again for all your prayers and support.