Overcoming Your Own Self-Inflicted Stereotype...

In the past 6 months, I have learned many things about myself. Some of them bad, some of them good. But I've told you that already. But I don't think I've actually named them...

I'll start with the bad things.

1. Control Issues - I tend to want to control situations and people. I am getting better at this but it's not easy by any stretch. (See my last post, "Control Issues".)

2. I worry. And I don't just mean casual worrying. I mean monumental, "if-I don't-have-anything-valid-to worry-about-I'll-make-something-up-to-worry-about" type worrying. I often liken my mind to the internet. I think of one thing, which links to something else, then to something beyond that, and on and on. If I think of something that many would not even think twice about, I can almost guarantee you I will have myself worked into a lather about something that could/might go wrong with the situation. Take my word for it - This is an AWFUL trait to have.

3. Another negative - and I only say that because I'm pessimistic by nature. And that is just it - that I'm a pessimist by nature. I really am an upbeat person from the outside but inside my head, my philosophy is "Blessed are those who expect nothing for they are not disappointed." I tell myself that if I think the worst, if it happens, then I was not blind sighted by it. If something great happens instead, I have been given an extra perk. But then at this point, refer to the paragraph above this one - then I'll figure out something else to worry about! It can be hell living in my head...really.

4. I'm very emotional. I have very deep feelings and when I love someone, I want to know they love me too. And if I can't tell for sure, it really cuts me deep emotionally.

5. I've always had an inferiority complex. Always. My mom cannot figure it out. She, being my mom, of course, thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. (or is it since white bread?) You know what I mean...But I do have a terrible self image. I have always felt ugly and fat and just...well - ugly.

Have you noticed I have not gotten to any good points I've discovered about myself? Well, again, reference numbers 3 and 5 above.

Okay, the reason I decided to write this post is to tell you something rather silly and I was trying to make it sound profound.

This past Saturday, I went out in public wearing shorts for the first time in at least 25 years. Yes, goofy but you have absolutely no idea how BIG that was for me. My new guy, "Forrest" has been giving me trouble about how I wear jeans in 90 degree weather. I told him my legs were too white (they just won't tan) and the nasty dark blue veins I have make my legs look like a roadmap. They are too fat - especially my knees. How in the world did my knees get so fat????? Whatever the case, I've been tanning so my legs actually have an off-white color to them now and the veins are not quite as stark against the new, softer, darker color. I 've also lost quite a bit of weight so my legs have thinned out somewhat, although my thighs and especially my knees are still gargantuan! But I found some shorts yesteday at Kohl's that not only don't look bad, they actually look good! So, I am anxious for Forrest to see me wear my new shorts. I know this sounds crazy, but somehow in this horrible divorce and its aftermath, I have found some confidence in myself in something as simple as a pair of shorts.

Today I'm wearing shorts - Tomorrow I'll be overcoming another stereotype I've always assigned to myself.

My challenge for you today- do something to break one of your own self-inflicted stereotypes...whether it be wearing shorts or running a marathon. The effect on your self esteem will be the same.

Control Issues...

This post really doesn't really have much to do with martial arts, as most of my posts in the past 6 months haven't either. With the shock of my husband walking out after almost 29 years together, and now the impending divorce, my martial arts have taken a back burner. I still love m.a. and still practice often, but I don't make it to class every week like I used to. I have other fish to fry at this particular moment in my life. My Sensei understand this and ironically, in about December, he even gave a talk about how martial arts is important, but God and your family cannot be put on the back burner. At the time, I agreed with his imparted wisdom, but had no idea how applicable it was going to be in the coming months.

One of the biggest reasons my husband cited for leaving was my reluctance to allow him to make important decisions in our family life. And despite his other mid-life crisis issues, he was right about this.

I have learned to relinquish some of the control I've always tried so hard to maintain. Some would have called me a control freak before my husband walked out in January. Okay, EVERYONE would have called me a control freak back then. And I still have issues, but I have learned to let someone else drive the bus.

That someone - I'll give him the MAM Blog code name of "Forrest" (because we call each other Forrest & Jenny like in the movie "Forrest Gump") - has been driving my bus lately. Wow - that sounds dirty doesn't it? But this is a family blog so you know that is NOT a euphanism for other things. Well, on second thought, it really is a eupahnism - but one for giving up control - not one insinuating questionable things.

Forrest and I started seeing each other 10 weeks ago this coming Friday. And my life changed forever. He helped me see that life goes on after my husband left. He is a goofball. I say that in a good way...I'm a goofball too and we just "click". He is a semi-control freak too. However, when my soon-to-be-ex-husband left, I did some soul searching and realized that although not all of the problem, I was, indeed, part of it and needed to make some changes in myself. The first and most noticeable change was that I needed to let go of the need to control every minute little detail of my life, my kids' lives, well - everyone's lives. And, with Forrest, I have finally met my match!

He does almost all the calling. I rarely call him - he calls me. The old controlling me would have hounded the poor man to death via cell phone. It is liberating to know that he wants to talk to me enough to do the calling.

He usually decides where we are going to go when we go out. And he surprises me with drinks that I'd probably have never tried had I not met him. I go to the ladies' room and come back and there is some new drink for me to try. I stuck with the same few staples I've always drank until now. My newest favorite is Southern Comfort and Sprite. Good stuff!

The ultimate realization that I had given up my control freak ways was when Forrest and I went camping over the Memorial Day weekend. In the past, I have always been the one to decide what we were going to eat when camping, as well as being responsible for shopping for it. I would be the one to make all the lists of what we needed to bring and then to make sure it was packed and ready to go. Forrest took care of EVERYTHING. I did not have to do a thing. He shopped for our food, marinated the roast he got for us, cooked it all at the campground and cut it up for me and brought the plate to me. I thought he was going to feed it to me too! It was heaven having everything taken care of for me. But it also spoiled me. I was enjoying not having to do any prep so much that in not making a list, I forgot my cell phone charger! The one darn thing I forgot - because it was the only darn thing I needed to remember!!!!

So, in conclusion, I still struggle with trying to control things. I probably always will. But it is refreshing and also even a relief to let someone else take the reins. I enjoy the feeling of letting him make the decisions. And the funny thing is in most cases, he makes decisions for me that I end up enjoying more than I would have had I made the choice myself. For example, sometimes he will make a choice for me and I will try it and end up enjoying something totally foreign to me. (Whodathunkit? I actually like bratwurst since the last time I tried it about 25 years ago!!!!) If I had never met Forrest, I'd probably have lived my life never trying bratwurst again.

Granted, that is just a silly little example of how I'm learning new things about myself on a daily basis. I am finding that by letting go of some old aspects of myself, I am gaining totally new, healthier aspects.

Like the "real" Forrest says, "Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're going to get." I love you, Forrest!

Update on MAM...

Well, it's been awhile since I last posted. Just thought I'd give you an update on me, in case anyone cares.

I feel like a new person. Really. I'm "almost" divorced from the man I've been with since I was 15 years old. The man I never thought I'd get over. Well, guess what? I'm over him. I will care about him forever but I do not love him anymore. I have found someone else for whom I am little by little falling head over heels. But we're taking it very, very slow. Lots of baggage - both of us - lots of obstacles - but it could be well worth the efforts...only time and patience will tell...

I have made peace with my soon-to-be-ex-husband and his girlfriend. No, really. I can actually talk and laugh with my ex now and even with his girlfriend. They have started taking our son for visits and my son is enjoying it. My soon-to-be-ex still has not paid me one red cent toward the household or our kids' care though.

I don't weigh myself ever but I knew I'd lost quite a bit on the "divorce diet" since January, but could only guestimate. Well, went for my first mammogram and first OB/GYN visit in 11 years (yes, I know - my bad) and when I got on the scale - it was confirmed - I have lost 35 lbs since January. I don't recommend this method of weight loss, but it is nice getting a head start like this and looking in the mirror and not even recognizing the body staring back at me. I find myself shocked when guys flirt with me. I forget I'm not still very overweight. I would, however, like to lose 35 more pounds. I think I'd look much better and feel even better too.I have started indoor tanning, which I've never done before. Only been one time so far, but we'll see...

My martial arts have suffered because of all this. I have missed the past 4 weeks of karate due to different circumstances either due to health issues or other responsiblities with which I had to deal. I am going back tonight after these 4 weeks and I can't wait to see everyone. I am ready for a hard workout. Okay, a moderate workout...

Anyway, I'm in a much better place now. Worried about the financial impact this divorce is going to bring about, but emotionally, I'm in a better place than I've been in a long, long time.

Thanks for sticking by me through all this!

GI - Thou Art Loosed!

Back when I first started this blog, I did a post about how my gi was just a bit snug across my tummy. http://martialartsmom.blogspot.com/2008/06/to-gi-or-not-to-gi.html

Well, since I've been on the "divorce diet" for about 3 months, I am, well, not happy to report, but am reporting that I have lost quite a bit of weight and my gi pants not only are not snug, but they are baggy! I can actually perform kicks comfortably in my gi pants now! One of the very, very few advantages to divorce.

My gi top has also become a bit too large for me except in one area. (And if you don't know of which body part I speak, you need to reference yet another of my early posts - "Bend it Like Dolly - or Don't Let the Boobs Get You Down" http://martialartsmom.blogspot.com/2008/06/bend-it-like-dollyor-dont-let-boobs-get.html. I would always prefer clothing to be a bit too large on me than too small, but this is getting ridiculous - the extra material in my gi top is actually distracting me in class. I am going to have to break down and buy a size smaller. (You women out there will appreciate how satisfying it is to say those words, let alone verify them in print!)

All in all, as I said, I'd rather not be going through this horrible divorce that I don't want (and I think HE doens't want either but pride will not allow him to admit) and I'd much rather not be going through it and be FAT and HAPPY.