Control Issues...

This post really doesn't really have much to do with martial arts, as most of my posts in the past 6 months haven't either. With the shock of my husband walking out after almost 29 years together, and now the impending divorce, my martial arts have taken a back burner. I still love m.a. and still practice often, but I don't make it to class every week like I used to. I have other fish to fry at this particular moment in my life. My Sensei understand this and ironically, in about December, he even gave a talk about how martial arts is important, but God and your family cannot be put on the back burner. At the time, I agreed with his imparted wisdom, but had no idea how applicable it was going to be in the coming months.

One of the biggest reasons my husband cited for leaving was my reluctance to allow him to make important decisions in our family life. And despite his other mid-life crisis issues, he was right about this.

I have learned to relinquish some of the control I've always tried so hard to maintain. Some would have called me a control freak before my husband walked out in January. Okay, EVERYONE would have called me a control freak back then. And I still have issues, but I have learned to let someone else drive the bus.

That someone - I'll give him the MAM Blog code name of "Forrest" (because we call each other Forrest & Jenny like in the movie "Forrest Gump") - has been driving my bus lately. Wow - that sounds dirty doesn't it? But this is a family blog so you know that is NOT a euphanism for other things. Well, on second thought, it really is a eupahnism - but one for giving up control - not one insinuating questionable things.

Forrest and I started seeing each other 10 weeks ago this coming Friday. And my life changed forever. He helped me see that life goes on after my husband left. He is a goofball. I say that in a good way...I'm a goofball too and we just "click". He is a semi-control freak too. However, when my soon-to-be-ex-husband left, I did some soul searching and realized that although not all of the problem, I was, indeed, part of it and needed to make some changes in myself. The first and most noticeable change was that I needed to let go of the need to control every minute little detail of my life, my kids' lives, well - everyone's lives. And, with Forrest, I have finally met my match!

He does almost all the calling. I rarely call him - he calls me. The old controlling me would have hounded the poor man to death via cell phone. It is liberating to know that he wants to talk to me enough to do the calling.

He usually decides where we are going to go when we go out. And he surprises me with drinks that I'd probably have never tried had I not met him. I go to the ladies' room and come back and there is some new drink for me to try. I stuck with the same few staples I've always drank until now. My newest favorite is Southern Comfort and Sprite. Good stuff!

The ultimate realization that I had given up my control freak ways was when Forrest and I went camping over the Memorial Day weekend. In the past, I have always been the one to decide what we were going to eat when camping, as well as being responsible for shopping for it. I would be the one to make all the lists of what we needed to bring and then to make sure it was packed and ready to go. Forrest took care of EVERYTHING. I did not have to do a thing. He shopped for our food, marinated the roast he got for us, cooked it all at the campground and cut it up for me and brought the plate to me. I thought he was going to feed it to me too! It was heaven having everything taken care of for me. But it also spoiled me. I was enjoying not having to do any prep so much that in not making a list, I forgot my cell phone charger! The one darn thing I forgot - because it was the only darn thing I needed to remember!!!!

So, in conclusion, I still struggle with trying to control things. I probably always will. But it is refreshing and also even a relief to let someone else take the reins. I enjoy the feeling of letting him make the decisions. And the funny thing is in most cases, he makes decisions for me that I end up enjoying more than I would have had I made the choice myself. For example, sometimes he will make a choice for me and I will try it and end up enjoying something totally foreign to me. (Whodathunkit? I actually like bratwurst since the last time I tried it about 25 years ago!!!!) If I had never met Forrest, I'd probably have lived my life never trying bratwurst again.

Granted, that is just a silly little example of how I'm learning new things about myself on a daily basis. I am finding that by letting go of some old aspects of myself, I am gaining totally new, healthier aspects.

Like the "real" Forrest says, "Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're going to get." I love you, Forrest!

Update on MAM...

Well, it's been awhile since I last posted. Just thought I'd give you an update on me, in case anyone cares.

I feel like a new person. Really. I'm "almost" divorced from the man I've been with since I was 15 years old. The man I never thought I'd get over. Well, guess what? I'm over him. I will care about him forever but I do not love him anymore. I have found someone else for whom I am little by little falling head over heels. But we're taking it very, very slow. Lots of baggage - both of us - lots of obstacles - but it could be well worth the efforts...only time and patience will tell...

I have made peace with my soon-to-be-ex-husband and his girlfriend. No, really. I can actually talk and laugh with my ex now and even with his girlfriend. They have started taking our son for visits and my son is enjoying it. My soon-to-be-ex still has not paid me one red cent toward the household or our kids' care though.

I don't weigh myself ever but I knew I'd lost quite a bit on the "divorce diet" since January, but could only guestimate. Well, went for my first mammogram and first OB/GYN visit in 11 years (yes, I know - my bad) and when I got on the scale - it was confirmed - I have lost 35 lbs since January. I don't recommend this method of weight loss, but it is nice getting a head start like this and looking in the mirror and not even recognizing the body staring back at me. I find myself shocked when guys flirt with me. I forget I'm not still very overweight. I would, however, like to lose 35 more pounds. I think I'd look much better and feel even better too.I have started indoor tanning, which I've never done before. Only been one time so far, but we'll see...

My martial arts have suffered because of all this. I have missed the past 4 weeks of karate due to different circumstances either due to health issues or other responsiblities with which I had to deal. I am going back tonight after these 4 weeks and I can't wait to see everyone. I am ready for a hard workout. Okay, a moderate workout...

Anyway, I'm in a much better place now. Worried about the financial impact this divorce is going to bring about, but emotionally, I'm in a better place than I've been in a long, long time.

Thanks for sticking by me through all this!

GI - Thou Art Loosed!

Back when I first started this blog, I did a post about how my gi was just a bit snug across my tummy. http://martialartsmom.blogspot.com/2008/06/to-gi-or-not-to-gi.html

Well, since I've been on the "divorce diet" for about 3 months, I am, well, not happy to report, but am reporting that I have lost quite a bit of weight and my gi pants not only are not snug, but they are baggy! I can actually perform kicks comfortably in my gi pants now! One of the very, very few advantages to divorce.

My gi top has also become a bit too large for me except in one area. (And if you don't know of which body part I speak, you need to reference yet another of my early posts - "Bend it Like Dolly - or Don't Let the Boobs Get You Down" http://martialartsmom.blogspot.com/2008/06/bend-it-like-dollyor-dont-let-boobs-get.html. I would always prefer clothing to be a bit too large on me than too small, but this is getting ridiculous - the extra material in my gi top is actually distracting me in class. I am going to have to break down and buy a size smaller. (You women out there will appreciate how satisfying it is to say those words, let alone verify them in print!)

All in all, as I said, I'd rather not be going through this horrible divorce that I don't want (and I think HE doens't want either but pride will not allow him to admit) and I'd much rather not be going through it and be FAT and HAPPY.

Blood, Sweat and Lightheadedness...

Last night, went to class and and was all ready to put in a good workout.

Well, as I've told you before, we work out for about 45 minutes before we actually do any martial arts. I was feeling strong - working out all my anger at my husband for standing up our 10 yo son again. (He was supposed to pick him up from karate but didn't show...long story...but if you read my blog you know the background - I won't go into detail) But suffice it to say, I was really disappointed in him and disappointed for our son. Okay, I was mad...seething mad.

Like I said, I'm in the middle of my iron woman marathon workout and I'm sweating buckets, but I usually do sweat alot so it didn't really worry me...still feeling good. Then, right near the end, I started feeling shaky and started to get that kind of "white-out" feeling you get behind your eyes when you get lightheaded and feel like you're going to pass out. Now I am wondering if it's just the emotions getting to me coupled with the working out. We take a break. I come back feeling fine again.

We start our walking kick practice. First roundhouses. One off front foot, the other feigning a low kick but then going for a higher roundhouse. After two times across the gym, the sweating and "white-out" feeling returned. I handed my target pad off to Sensei and said I needed to go sit out, which I did.

About 15 minutes later, I noticed Mack (I mentioned him and his encouragement to start martial arts training in one of my very first posts.) was on one knee and a few people standing around him. Next thing I knew, he was sitting next to me. We shared experiences of how we felt. He had the sweats and shaking but not the lightheadedness.

Another 10 minute into our conversation, Mack says he has figured out why he got to feeling this way - he had given blood the day before. I rolled up my sleeve and showed him the awful bruise I got from 1-1/2 days prior in donating blood myself. We started laughing because we realized that was the reason we both felt like that. One of our instructors was taking it easy that night, and Mack pointed out that, he too, had given blood the day before.

I should have known that giving blood could do something like that but didn't even think of it. Beyond that point, I waited over 2 hrs to give blood and at the almost full level in the bag, my vein clotted and they had to move the needle around a lot to try to get it flowing again. No go. But talk about a nasty bruise. It's about 3" in diameter and is a pretty burgundy color. You can actually see (and feel) the raised puncture mark because the woman rotated that needle around so much trying to get it flowing again.

After all was said and done, since I was a few drops short of a full bag (no jokes there - you know, few bricks short of a load, etc...) I was told my blood could not be given to a person because it was not a full bag. They would use it for research & testing. All that and this pretty bruise too.

But it was still worth it. And I would do it again, and probably will. I just won't do it on the day or two before karate class!